Monday Blogger’s Digest

February 18, 2008 at 10:36 am | Posted in Blogger's Digest | Leave a comment
  • The chief fantasist in the Diana inquest is finally given the chance to give ‘evidence’ voice to the insane theory that a member of the Royal family illegally ordered the secret service to murder the mother of a future King. Once this expensive freak show’s been drawn to a close without the Duke of Edinburgh having been slimed as a Muslim-slaying psychopath (for shame!), has anyone considered the effect this will have on the economy? Royal corpse-chasing has become an incredibly profitable industry over the past 5 years: how will the court reporters and papparazzi, the biographers, Paul Burrells and jobless court jesters make their money now? More seriously, will the Daily Express have any news left to print?
  • I know, what a silly question. The World’s Greatest Newspaper (TM) didn’t get its name for suddenly running out of hard-hitting journalistic exposes. No, it got its name from reheating stories about house price rises and running promotions to flog campervans.
  • Alistair Darling, forever keen to taint his government as timid and indecisive, finally gets around to doing what he should’ve done months ago, ‘temporarily’ nationalises Northern Rock and proceeds to take a deserved beating for 6 months of dithering.
  • Charlie Booker savages the Smoker’s Permit plan:

His paper, incidentally, also proposes “incentives for large companies to provide a daily ‘exercise hour’ for staff”. Welcome to your future life: having struggled into work suffering withdrawal pangs because today’s smoking licence didn’t arrive in the post, you’re forced to spend 60 minutes doing squat-thrusts in the car park. And each time you start crying, a man in a helmet comes round to gently remind you that it’s all for your own good. Through a loudhailer.

If that sounds like a nightmare, don’t worry: you can still wriggle out of the squat-thrusts, provided you’re carrying a valid Laziness Licence, whose application process involves climbing a ladder to reach the forms (stored at the top of a 200ft crane), ticking 900 boxes with a 7kg pencil, and finally posting it into a motorised mailbox that persistently runs away from you at speeds of up to 25mph. In other words, you still have freedom of choice. Provided you’re carrying a valid Freedom of Choice Permit, that is.

  • Shorter Edward Pearce: The Conservatives, the party of Michael Howard and Margaret Thatcher, Norman Tebbit and John Redwood, is now the only party we should trust to safeguard our rights. God help us.
  • Your chance to vote for the biggest mistake in British history. Ever the keen patriot, I chose the first option.

And finally…

White people love “gifted” children, do you know why? Because an astounding 100% of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing? I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run. The way it works is that white kids that are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school… But NEVER under any circumstance imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and be less than greatness is too much for them to bear.

  • Their latest entry raves about the white person pleasing virtues of Mos Def, but if you ask me he’s fallen off. Idris Elber is far, far cooler.

Update: Jim reminds me that it’s Charlie Brooker, not Booker. I blame all errors on a lack of caffeine.

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