Obstacles to suicide

March 24, 2008 at 9:40 pm | Posted in Big Brother Britain, Idiot Hall of Fame | Leave a comment
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Since the government is still wasting our money pimping hilariously impractical ‘solutions’ to stop its citizens smoking (apparently banning smoking in pubs, slapping stark health warnings on cigarette packets and raising tobacco duty in every budget since the dawn of time hasn’t quite done the trick), The Bleeding Heart Show has decided to perform its civic duty and offer some sensible measures of its own, free of charge. They can thank me later:

  1. Taxes on cigarettes should now be renamed ‘council tax’
  2. More cigarettes should be laced with carbon monoxide
  3. Heather Mills should be recruited to front a pro-smoking campaign, ensuring millions give up en masse.
  4. Likewise Fiona MacKeown
  5. All cigarettes must now be fitted with audio devices that emit James Blunt tunes each time someone lights up.
  6. Before buying a pack of cigarettes, each smoker must be ‘Means Tested To Determine Their Need.’ Roughly translated, this means everyone who tries to buy cigarettes must first be subjected to a 10 minute waterboarding session. If they still want their cigarettes after that, they’re welcome to ‘em.
  7. A well-funded Think Tank should be established, issuing chilling reports that claim ‘One In 5 Cigarettes Is Laced With Deadly Islamofascist Semen’
  8. Not only must all smokers register for a ‘smoking license’, but that license should be published in our national newspapers under the heading “A List Of People Who Smoke (And Who Might Also Molest Children)”
  9. All cigarette transactions must be conducted in Mandarin.
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