Peter the prophet

April 27, 2008 at 3:42 pm | Posted in Idiot Hall of Fame | Leave a comment

Ah, those Hitchens boys and their messianic resolve. This time, it’s the runt of the family:

I sometimes wonder why I bother being a prophet. All my predictions of horrible things come true, and nobody does anything about any of them.

It’s hard not to sympathise; I’m sure Joseph Smith, L Ron Hubbard and David Koresh all suffered similar bouts of ennui as they tried to save the ungrateful masses. If only we’d ignored their narcissism and laughable fairytales and paid attention to the divine prophesies they tried to pass on.

But if Hitchens is a prophet, there’s got to be some kind of antichrist to warn against, right? Yup. Lots of ’em, in fact. They all happen to be single mothers and their routine failure to keep their legs closed is responsible for the downfall of everything from the Roman Empire onwards. Here’s how he explains the terrible cost of their cheap morals:

The consequences, in terms of crime, drug abuse, welfare parasitism, educational disaster and social chaos are predictable and miserable and will end in total national collapse and bankruptcy.

Holy shit, they’ll kill us all! So how much longer do we have before our descent into hell? A few months? A year? A few years? A decade? Is there any point saving up for that conservatory?

Alas, he doesn’t say. Why can’t our prophets be more bleeding specific?!

It’s always possible, I suppose, that one day we’ll be so debased we elect as Prime Minister a 30-year-old grandmother of 10 who’s had more men in a year than that suave man-slut Nick Clegg’s had in a life time. And I suppose it’s also possible that she’ll use her power as Premier of ASBO Britain to have the welfare state subsidise free ferraris, alcopops & holidays in Ibiza. And yes, I suppose one day these alcohol-addled, parasitic poor people could suck so much life from the country that it becomes a wretched, pathetic insult to its former greatness.

If that day ever comes, I’m sure those who remember the Good Old Days will paw over Hitchens’ writings and wonder ‘why didn’t we listen when we had the chance’? On that day, he will be elevated alongside Smith, Hubbard and Koresh as one of the visionaries of his age.

Alas, I don’t either he or I will live long enough to see it happen.

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