Big Beautician is watching you

July 2, 2008 at 10:08 am | Posted in British Politics | Leave a comment
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Gemma Garrett. Miss Great Britain. Parliamentary Candidate. Would-be tyrant.

Since you all come here for my expert take on all the most important issues in politics, I felt I owed you an assessment of Miss Great Britain’s platform in the Haltemprice and Howden by-election. As hard as it is to distinguish yourself from a field that includes a greengrocer, a mad cow, a lover of Elvis, an enemy of lizards and… David Davis, Gemma Garrett should be applauded for standing on some decent left-wing policies: greater pay and compensation for our armed forces, expanding childcare and raising the income tax of the richest in the country. So far, so good.

But what we can least afford in this by-election is to elect yet another hardcore Nanny-stater, and I fear that for all her good intentions, Miss Great Britain would be willing to goose-step to whichever anti-civil liberties measure this government proposes. What makes me think this? The squeamish should look away now:

  • Compulsory health and beauty education to improve the looks of Britons
  • A British Bank Holiday which encourages people to look fabulous for the day

Ah, where’s Henry Porter when you need him? Now, I know I don’t have a strong record on health and beauty, but I hope I’m not the only one who’s terrified by this. For one, how would she make this ‘education’ compulsory? Would she us this ‘British Bank Holiday’ to round us all up and send us to ‘fab camps’ where a team of Rosemary Conley clones forces us to perform star jumps at gun point? Would there be penalties for people who, after being ‘corrected’, start putting on weight again, or forget the proper use of hair gel? Should the government really make this compulsory for everyone, even those who are clearly lost causes?

I don’t suppose it’s any surprise that the press has failed give this proposal the intense scrutiny it requires – I’m sure they’d benefit from having a few more Ms Garrett lookalikes running about. But for those of us who cherish the right to remain ugly, it is a truly worrying development. We can only hope that David Davis, who would certainly be singled out by such a plan, can summon the same valour he’s showed on 42 days detention and fight the tyranny of Beauty Parlour Britain.

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